Friday, May 26, 2006

Visitors to Pohick

I enjoy writing entries for Pohick. Even though no one else in the royal family really understands or appreciates my passion for blogging, I think I can sum it like this. Most of my time is spent attending to the responsibilities of the kingdom. These responsibilities include allocating gold from the treasury, attending social engagements, and proclaiming and decreeing this and that. As important and necessary as all of these kingly functions are, they don't require much creativity. Pohick on the other hand is my creative outlet.

In addition to just writing entries, Pohick also engages my curiosity. The Kingdom of Pohick is a little off of the beaten path known as the information super highway and yet thousands of people from around the world have somehow found their way here. As I read through the visit logs for this blog, I ask my self the following three questions: Where are all of these people coming from, how did they get here and why don't they have anything else to do with their lives? I'm certain that I can't answer the last question, but here is my best shot at the other two.

How did they get here?
I am always amused when I look through my visit logs to see how folks find their way to the Kingdom of Pohick. Of course we have our regular visitors who just come of their own volition. To them we say, "Welcome back friend!" We also have some folks who show up via blog exchanges. To them we say, "You are the best friend money can buy." And then we have my personal favorites. These are the folks who find their way to Pohick while looking for something entirely different. These folks usually type a few words into google or some other search engine and the next thing they know, they are wandering the hallowed halls of Pohick. To these folks we can't help but say, "Why were you looking for that?" I am fascinated by some of the search strings that point people to pohick. I'm going to start listing them here:

Let me put a bug in your ear. - I've now had over 200 people show up at Pohick while looking for "Let me put a bug in your ear." Why are so many folks looking to put bugs in people's ears?

Where did they come from?
Everywhere. The planet earth is a mighty big place, but obviously it is not so big that folks can't find their way to the Kingdom of Pohick. I think that every country has sent at least one designated representative as an ambassador to Pohick. Despite any assertions to the contrary, King Jake is not an uneducated man what with all that Kingly training and all. In fact he has even traveled the world a fair piece whilst visiting with the other Kingdoms of the world. But as he scanned through the visit log, he came across a visitor from a country he just could not remember. Seychelles. King Jake raked his brain? No offense intended to the people of Seychelles but Jake had no idea where this country was. Jake then called in the royal geography instructor who explained to Jake that Seychelles is a an archipelago in the Indian Ocean of 41 islands, of which 33 are inhabited. The total population of Seychelles is only 81,000 people. Wow! Only 81,000 people and yet they were thoughtful enough to send a representative to Pohick. From the Kingdom of Pohick, we say, "Thank You!"

In any event, we appreciate all of our visitors to Pohick regardless of where you came from or how you got here. You are of course welcome back any time you are in the neighborhood!

Tuesday, May 23, 2006


There has been no sign of the mice for a couple of weeks now. King Jake has claimed victory after a campaign in which he successfully captured and deported 10 of the rascally rodents. It is more than likely though that the mice are just taking a spring holiday somewhere. Since the mice are nowhere to be seen, one could assume that everything is peaceful in the Kingdom of Pohick. One could assume that, but one would be mistaken. There is to be no peace for King Jake.

Apparently the mice had a little chat with their friends the squirrels prior to departing for wherever mice go on holiday. Almost as soon as the mice activity subsided, the squirrels took over the role as Jake's tormentors. It is quite apparent that the squirrels have a little more game than the mice had. Their escapades started off innocently enough with a little digging in the flower beds. Jake didn't appreciate the squirrels digging up all of Princess StarrySpark's hard work, but there was no real harm done. This period of mild annoyance wouldn't last though.

Next the squirrels upped their game a little bit. They chewed holes in the lids of all of the garbage cans so that they could go in and eat the trash. This is amazing given that King Jake does not let much edible food end up in the trash. The squirrels were not content to just eat their ill gotten meals in peace though, but they began to scatter the trash all over the yard. Hmmmm... One day, as Jake was walking across the yard, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich fell out of the sky and landed at his feet. Jake has always dreamed of food falling from the sky, but alas, this was not a case divine food delivery. Jake looked up into the trees just in time to see a squirrel running away.

This is about the time that Jake's blood began to boil. After three or four days of picking up trash around the yard and he was fit to be tied. Jake being Jake then began to lash out at the squirrels. He waited until the squirrels dropped through the holes in the tops of the garbage cans and then ran over and began banging on the sides of the cans with a broom. When the squirrels attempted to escape, Jake would whack the squirrels back down into the cans just like the "Whack a Mole" game. What did this solve you ask? Nothing of course, but it made Jake laugh like a raving lunatic. It was apparent to all onlookers that the squirrels did not appreciate this particular form of amusement very much.

The squirrels next hatched a diabolical plan to get even with Jake. They chewed a hole through the screen in the kitchen, came in and helped themselves to a brand new loaf of bread. Jake was upstairs when he heard a scream from Queen Molly. Thinking that another mouse incident was in progress, he ran down to the kitchen ready to do battle. By the time he got there, Molly was wildly swinging a broom around the kitchen like a Louisville Slugger in an attempt to bash the offending squirrel. The squirrel was in no real danger as he deftly evaded all of Molly's swings. He eventually made his way back to the hole in the screen leaving a swath of destruction in the once pristine kitchen.

Jake replaced the screen. Then he replaced the plastic trash cans with metal ones. Patting himself on the back, he stated that once again, good old fashioned human ingenuity had overcome the mischievousness of the animal kingdom. He was quite mistaken.

Jake and Molly had a number of friends and family over for a formal sit down dinner. At some point during the meal, one of the guests pointed at a window in the dining room and stated, "Look at that squirrel hanging on the window screen. Isn't that cute?" It was at this moment that the squirrel while hanging from the screen emptied his bladder through the screen into the dining room. The stream from the squirrel was quite impressive. One wouldn't think a squirrel could hold quite that much. The guests were of course just a bit shocked. One doesn't expect that sort of entertainment at a formal dinner party. Queen Molly on the other hand was not just shocked, but was also enraged at this squirrel who would dare defile her dinner party. She launched herself from the other side of the room and punched the squirrel through the screen with all of her might. I'm sure the squirrel was not expecting this reaction. He laid in the yard for a long moment after landing. Jake stated for everyone to hear that the squirrel was probably dead. This was not the case though. After a moment or two, the squirrel shook his head a few times to clear the cobwebs and then ran off as if nothing had happened.

One can only imagine the grand reception this squirrel received upon his return to squirrel ville. We imagine that all of the other squirrels patted him on the back and high-fived him for his exceptional intestinal fortitude and ability to take a punch. Jake and Molly are now worried about what the squirrels will try next. That last act is mighty tough to follow. Though Jake and Molly did not appreciate the mice, they are thinking of inviting them back if they will call off their squirrel cousins.

Thursday, May 18, 2006


Princess StarrySpark is not happy at the moment, but King Jake is. StarrySpark has a class science project due this semester. The project is focused on "Environmental Responsibility." The requirements for this project include all manner of recycling, composting, yard cleanup, flower planting and even picking up doggie waste. The best part of this assignment is that a parental signature is required to confirm the completion of each task. As much as StarrySpark despises yard work, she just won't allow her standing in the National Junior Honor Society to suffer. Of course Jake doesn't like yard work very much either, so he has been taking full advantage of this opportunity to extract every last ounce of work that he can out of StarrySpark. King Jake commends the Pohick Royal Academy for this fine educational opportunity.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Royal Weight Loss - Calories

After King Jake's recent trip to the royal health care provider, Queen Molly has been providing Jake with a little focused encouragement for his weight loss effort.

Molly: You are going to have to stop eating so many calories!

Jake: I don't think that will be a problem. I haven't eaten a single calorie all day. I only eat food.

Molly: Here, eat some carrots. They are good for you.

Jake: Are you kidding me. Carrots aren't food. Carrots are what food eat.

Molly: I not asking you to be a Vegan. I am just asking you to eat a couple of carrots.

Jake: Vegan? Aren't those the guys with the green blood and the pointy ears?

After one week, King Jake is only slightly less of a man. He started at 189 lbs and is now down to 187.6 lbs. Not a big weight loss so far, but at least he is heading in the right direction.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Mother's Day Pohick Style

Yes, even in the Kingdom of Pohick, today was mother's day. King Jake vehemently proclaimed that Queen Molly was not his mother to no avail. Queen Molly had been dropping subtle little hints (not especially subtle) for the last three weeks that she wanted a Venti Green Tea Frappuccino from Starbucks as part of her Mother's Day breakfast in bed. Jake who is slow but not stupid decided that acquiescence was infinitely easier than resistance. He told the girls that he would drive them to the Starbucks so that they could buy their mother a frappuchino.

Of course he couldn't help but remember the year that Molly facilitated the girls as they prepared him a snow cone for his Father's Day breakfast in bed. Not that Jake doesn't love snow cones (Jake loves all food), but eating a snow cone immediately upon waking is just a little rough. Anyway, back to the story at hand.

Jake was awakened this morning by Princess Yellow Hair who was to accompany Jake to the Starbucks. She was assigned this task because she had been to the Starbucks previously with Molly. Jake stumbled down to the garage, got in the car and he and Yellow Hair were off on their quest. Jake drove in the general direction of the Starbucks for about 15 minutes when he asked Yellow Hair, "Are we going in the right direction?" Yellow Hair responded with, "I don't have any idea where we are going. I thought you knew the way." Jake then said, "But..... you've been there before." Yellow Hair said, "Yes, but I didn't pay attention to where we were going." Jake then asked, "Do you remember a street name or other stores or landmarks or anything?" Yellow Hair said, "No." Jake, "Grrrrrrrrrrr. "

Because it was early in the morning and supposed to just be a quick trip to the coffee shop, Jake didn't bother bringing his cell phone along. Jake stated, "Maybe we can find a pay phone and ask Molly for directions?" Yellow Hair said, "We can't do that! It will ruin the surprise." Jake said, "Surprise? What surprise? Your mother has told us every day for the last three weeks that she gets a Frappuccino or there's going to be trouble." Yellow Hair countered with, "Can't you just stop and ask for directions?" "Ummmmm...No", Jake said. "It doesn't work that way. Men aren't allowed to ask for directions." Thus started a two hour quest in which King Jake drove up and down every street in the Kingdom of Pohick looking for a Starbucks.

At last victory. They found a Starbucks. Yellow Hair said, "This isn't the same one." At any rate, they returned to the castle with their treasure in hand for presentation to Queen Molly. Molly said, "Did it really take you two hours to go to the Starbucks on the next block?" Jake, "errrrr, Yes...I mean No...I mean...we heard that the other one in the next county made better Frappuccinos and we wanted you to have the very best that was available." Ahhh, that Jake. Always thinking quick on his feet.

At any rate, Queen Molly received and enjoyed her Venti Green Tea Frappuccino along with the other tokens of appreciation from the Pohick Princesses. So until next year, "Happy Mother's Day!"

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Royal Weight Loss

Apparently, King Jake has consumed one too many Hershey's Candy Bars. Here is a transcript from King Jake's recent visit to the royal health care provider.

Royal Doctor: Your majesty, you are getting too fat.

King Jake: Hmmmm.... I would normally have you executed for saying that except we don't do that sort of thing in this kingdom.

Royal Doctor: Your weight is reaching an unhealthy level. You weigh 189 lbs. You are 5 foot 9 inches and you should weigh about 160 lbs.

King Jake: 160 lbs? King's aren't supposed to be that skinny. What would the citizens think if their king was only 160 lbs? Nobody wants a skinny king.

Royal Doctor: I'm sorry, but your weight is not healthy. Are you getting enough exercise?

King Jake: Of course I am. I cut the grass, chase mice around the castle, and carry the captured mice way out into the middle of nowhere.

Royal Doctor: I'm sorry, but that is not working. You must eat less and exercise more.

King Jake: I'm not going to do it. I have a lot of very important meetings with the kingdom's ministers. I don't have time to exercise and there are always pastries at the meetings.

Queen Molly: Don't worry doctor. I will ensure that Jake does what you say.

King Jake: (grumbles under his breath)

Tune in on a regular basis to see if Jake manages to reduce his weight from 189 lbs down to 160 lbs. I'm sure there will be some entertainment associated with Jake's endeavor to lose 29 lbs.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Mouse War - Choosy Mice Choose Jif

For the last couple of nights, one of the mice has been torturing King Jake. This mouse devised a diabolical method to extract the cracker and peanut butter bait from the mouse trap without becoming trapped. And just to rub Jake's nose in his prowess, the mouse didn't even eat the cracker. Instead, he merely licked the Jif Peanut butter from the cracker and left the cracker uneaten next the trap like a little calling card. Jake was becoming more and more frustrated. Finally, he said to himself, "I must think like the mouse. I must get inside his head." Ah ha! Jake had the solution. Instead of putting the peanut butter on the cracker, he put it directly into the back of the trap. The result was mouse number nine trapped like a rat. King Jake did a little happy dance in front of the royal family. Queen Molly said to Jake, "I can't believe you are actually excited because you managed to out smart a mouse!" Any way, if you would like to see Jake taunting the mouse, check out this exclusive pohick video (mousemovie.wmv 2MB).

Mouse War Index

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Bug In Your Ear

How to Safely Remove a bug from your ear.

"Let me put a bug in your ear." Have you ever heard this old saying? King Jake said this to Princess StarrySpark yesterday. Princess StarrySpark, despite being recently inducted in the National Junior Honor Society, immediately covered her ears with her hands. What are you doing Jake asked? I don't want you to put a bug in my ear. Jake blinked. It doesn't actually mean I'm going to put a bug in your ear, it just means that I want you to think about something. It's just an old saying. StarrySpark not removing her hands from her ears stated, "I don't believe you. You are always doing stuff like that." Disclaimer: Though Jake has indeed been know to pull a prank or two in his days, it has never involved the use of live insects. If you don't believe me, go ask your mother. StarrySpark asked Queen Molly, "Have you ever heard the expression, let me put a bug in your ear?" Queen Molly stated, "Yes, It's an idiom. It's like saying you have ants in your pants or I put my foot in my mouth. The words aren't meant literally." So there you have it. Though Jake did not know what the word idiom meant, he did indeed know one at least. StarrySpark remained unconvinced though and remained extra vigilant for the remainder of the day whenever Jake was around.

How to Safely Remove a bug from your ear.

Stealing Occurs in Pohick

Pohick National News (PNN) - May 6, 2006. Today the Pohick Pixies pummeled the Kastle Kitties in a 12 - 5 rout. All of the girls on the royal softball team did a great job. Princess Yellow Hair batted .500 and also stole two bases including home. King Jake was at first stunned at the thought of teaching young girls to steal and was about to issue a decree forbidding the practice. The team coaches took King Jake aside though and explained to the him that stealing just means running very fast to get to the next base. Oh.... very well then. As long as no real larceny is involved, I guess it will be OK. Great job pixies!

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Mouse War - One Mile

Yet another mouse stumbled into the victor live catch mouse trap last night. We've stopped naming them, and just call this one number 8. Apparently, the mice are reproducing faster than we can dispose of them. This one is the fattest mouse we've nabbed so far. I don't want to call him huge or anything, but we're not really sure how he managed to wedge himself into the mouse trap. We almost had to use the jaws of life to extract him. At any rate, it doesn't look like he has been skipping any meals. Queen Molly is convinced that there is actually only one mouse who after being released, repeatedly returns to our home for another meal. She stated that Jake had to tag the mouse in some manner so that we can prove it isn't the same mouse. Though Jake has watched all manner of wildlife TV shows where animals have been tagged, he has no actual working knowledge of how such a thing is done. He therefore ruled out tagging the mouse. Jake also quickly rejected all of the other suggestions that included branding and/or tattooing the mouse. Painting the mouse's toenails with toenail polish was actually considered somewhat seriously, but after Jake's recent mouse wrangling incident, he discarded this option as well. There was only one option left. Queen Molly insisted that King Jake had to transport the miscreant mouse so far from the castle that there would be no possible way that the mouse could return. Hmmmm Jake asked, "How far is that exactly?" Molly thought for a moment and then stated unequivocally that the mouse had to be taken at least one physical mile from the castle. What Jake said? An entire mile? The mouse has little legs. He is not going to hike half that far just to return to our home. Our crumbs can't possibly be that much superior to our neighbors crumbs that this fellow would want to hike all the way back to our house. Queen Molly didn't say a word and just kept pointing out the door toward the dark and foreboding Pohick National Forest. Jake grumbled a little, but dutifully grabbed the mouse containment facility and headed out on his quest. As soon as Jake entered the forest and was out of sight of the castle, a thought struck him. What if I just let the mouse loose here and then wait for an appropriate amount of time. I can claim that I took the mouse a mile from the house and Molly would never know the difference. No. Jake quickly gave up on this idea because even though Jake had no idea how she did it, Molly always seemed to catch him when he tried this sort of scheme. As King Jake was hiking along a trail, he happened upon one of the local residents out for his morning constitutional. The gentleman eyed Jake suspiciously in the way that one would eye a stranger encountered in the middle of the forest who is carrying a large jar containing a mouse. Jake who was attempting to allay the gentleman's fears asked the man in a friendly manner, "Would you like to see my mouse?" The gentleman with large frightened eyes quickly shook his head and stepped as far away from Jake as he could and moved off in what could easily be described as a double time. Hmmmmmm. I guess I did not allay his fears, Jake thought to himself. After what seemed to be a considerable period of time Jake finally arrived at a location he deemed to be at least one mile distant from the castle. Jake had no sooner loosened the cap of the mouse jar when the mouse leapt from the jar and disappeared in the blink of an eye. Well, that's a fine how do you do. Not even a polite goodbye. During Jake's hike back to the castle, he had a eerie sensation that he was being watched. He kept looking around but he never caught sight of anyone following him. Nothing to worry about Jake thought, but having seen one two many horror movies, Jake realized that this was always the moment that a large fellow with a hockey mask and chain saw was likely to appear. Stop it Jake. You're just making yourself crazy. Perhaps Jake thought, it was just the mouse attempting to follow him back to the castle. Perhaps we really should have painted his toenails after all. Oh well, I guess we can give that a try for number nine.

Mouse War Index

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Family Version 2.0

The Pohick family had a bit of a revelation today. We do a lot of communicating via computer. So, you are probably thinking to yourself, "What is unusual about that? In this day and age, everyone communicates by computer in one way or another. So here's the situation. Jake was upstairs in his den when he received an email from yellow hair asking a question about her homework assignment. As we have often pointed out, Jake is probably the wrong person to ask if you need an actual factual answer to a homework assignment. Jake thought to himself, "No problem. I'll just ask Molly. She always knows the answers to these homework questions." Unfortunately, Jake was feeling just a little too lazy to hike all the way downstairs to the Kitchen to find Molly. Yelling for Molly was also out of the question since Molly had finally broken Jake of the habit of yelling in the house like some sort of ruffian. Then Jake had a great idea, "I'll just use the Skype." So, Jake Skyped Molly. Molly said, "I can't believe that you are calling me on the computer from the same house." Jake said, "Well, Yellow Hair needs help with her homework." Molly then said, "Please send her down to see me. I don't want to do homework assignments on the phone or computer or skpe or whatever it is. I tried to instant message StarrySpark, but she isn't online." Jake then yelled across the hall, "StarrySpark, log into AIM. Your mother wants to speak with you." StarrySpark then yelled back, "Why can't we all just talk to each other like a normal family." This caused Jake to pause for a moment. Normal family? What is that supposed to mean? I guess we have come a long way. Some would consider this a terrible state of affairs. A family that communicates via electronic gadets. Jake however likes to look at the positive side of things. Think of this as the evolution of the family to version 2.0. It's not like we are not communicating. Actually we are communicating at the speed of light. Yah, that's the ticket. Boldly going where no family has gone before. Anyway, before we do anything else, someone please skype grandma and see how she is doing today.